Introspection

Day 5, Home Alone

How many of us have built and keep up walls that are so high that those closest to us don’t have a clue who we are?

I heard a song by Brandon Heath a few minutes ago that I am very fond of, “I’m not who I was”. To me the song seems to be about a past relationship that ended and sometime afterwards he was reflecting back on who he is now and who he was then and wishing his ex could see him now.

For some reason, maybe it is the time away from my wife or the distance or something entirely different… I don’t know, but the song brought on a melancholy feeling. I am still in a relationship, but the person I live with doesn’t see me now. The person I am and the person I was when the relationship began are two entirely different people. But because of the walls I built or maybe because my wife just refuses to see me any other way, I find myself wishing the same thing that Brandon sings about. I wrote a post several months back; ( A History of violence ) that probably fits me and the struggle I have with the way those who have known me for a long time see me. The past is a hard thing to shake. And the defenses that end up being built to keep sanity in your life become impregnable walls of solitude. And because I am a frail, fallible human I still make mistakes that end up keeping the old picture of me alive in the minds of those near me and therefore the walls of defense continue to stand strong.

Like the song implies… I wish my wife could see me now, I wish I could be ‘me’ around her. I wish we could ride through life together in the same boat! But things have become so twisted and entangled between circumstance, bad choices and a history that can not be escaped… sometimes I don’t hold much hope for it.

This probably isn’t the right place to vent this… but maybe there are others who live in the same boat as I do and maybe it’s nice to know that there are others who struggle with these same things… or maybe I just want to vent…

…or maybe this is what 5 days away from your family turns you into!