The Subtle ways we say; “No”!

Turning fifty must do to a man what turning twenty does, just in reverse. I remember in my twenties waking up as if from a fog. I was about as wild as one can get and still live to tell about it. But when I finally figured out that I had to make a life for myself, I remember revaluating my entire belief system. I threw out virtually every foundational premise I had been taught with the exception of one; God and His Book… and then I started all over again! I have read and studied it (Gods Book) countless times over my life, ravenously so when I was younger! But earlier on I allowed it to speak into my life and lay the foundation for what I was going to believe going forward.

Now here I sit at 52, and truthfully I am worn out inside. Not from living or working, but from living with thirty years of memories to reflect on, and realizing how vastly different my life looks than the one a wide eyed twenty year old had envisioned. Reflection must be a part of turning fifty, because with each year I turn my eye ever deeper… ever inward. I guess for all men there really is an unavoidable “Mid-Life Crisis”! I am personally not having one in the classic sense, because there isn’t anything I wanted to do that I didn’t do or didn’t try to do. But more in the sense of; “What value does my life bring”? I have lived a good life by most standards. It hasn’t been a total disaster by any stretch. Although, there has been much tragedy and disaster over the last thirty years, but that is a part of living. I made God some pretty radical promises in my twenties… and again in my late thirties… and now I don’t see a shred of evidence that I even attempted to keep my promise. It really brings a sense of desperation! I stand here looking at the down hill side of life, and so far I have built nothing for the God that I say I love and serve! I can not fathom the thought of finally standing in front of Him after living most of my life telling Him how much I have loved Him, with nothing in my hands to show for it. How is it that I have awakened every day for the last thirty years asking God; “What do you want me to do today” and still have not done anything for Him?

Most people are content to live a good life and make sure that they and the people they love make it to heaven. I want that too! But there is a part of me that owes God everything… (All of me, all of us owe God everything) but the part of me that I am talking about is almost like a person that lives within me. It is the person that still remembers from what and how I was purchased from the flames, I can never forget it… and on top of that He had to physically rescue me twice! (It is a long story, you can ask me later). This entity within me wants with a feverous burning desire to be one of Gods favorite treasures. I was less than nothing when He reached out to me, and the realization that He still loved and wanted me did something inside that I can not describe. Many years later after a series of horrific mistakes, I became broken again, broken beyond repair… and He reached out again! I have no excuse!

I so want to hear His voice again!

I am pretty sure I know how I ended up here. It has to do with our understanding of Lordship and what living as a bond servant really entails. I thought that I had surrendered myself completely to God and in my heart I know I did. Living with my idea of surrender I began to make plans for my life. I began to consider a career, marriage, and family, everything that all of us do in life… but we usually make those decisions before we truly grasp what it means to live ‘FOR’ God not ‘WITH’ God. And after we gain that understanding we begin to mold the life we have created into what He wants to create. But that wasn’t me! I came to Him on a blank check. Then I made some choices and decisions without any real consideration for Gods plan and afterward asked God to come along for the ride… and He did! I dreamed so loud and kept looking for God up ahead woven into my plans that I never even thought to listen to His voice from behind me!

Isaiah 30:21 Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.

Fifty two years… It is Jan 1^st… A new year and the bench mark for what begins my fifty third year of walking this planet. And everything I have, everything around me is of my own creation.

So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came… 1 Kings 19 11-13.

I don’t think what I did is so different than what most of us do in one way or another. I think all of us can hear Gods voice. We just dismiss it. We do it because we can do so, so easily. It is that quiet thought that is louder than all others for just a moment. Sometimes it is telling you; “you know you shouldn’t do that”! And other times it tells you that you should. As I think back in my own life, I know many times it stood in the face of what I wanted to do… but because just a simple conscious decision to make it go away silences it, we never hear it for what it is. We all listen for the voice of God in great and mighty things, but I don’t think that is where we will hear it. God can and will speak. History is littered with examples of God speaking in ways that are obvious. But the only examples I can find or have ever seen that show God speaking into an individual’s life are subtle and easily dismissed. If you want to have a daily two way conversation with God you have to learn to listen to that voice… His voice! It will never dictate… it will only guide. It is up to you if you want to listen.

For me, I hope I hear Him speak again… speak of a new beginning for a new year. To give Him what little I have left to begin to build what He wants, not what I want Him to bless.

God Bless.